


Put that back!

by Zeruby



Series: ImaginexHobbit [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Dwarves, Inappropriate Humor, Other, Sexual Humor, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is STUPID, What Have I Done, Worried Dwarves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:35:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeruby/pseuds/Zeruby
Summary: Based on: Imagine the Company accidentally finding your dildo and not knowing what it is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ladies (and gentlemen), put yer dildos in good hid' spot, Fee an' Kee are on their way.
> 
> Note, that this fic contains some heavy and bad language, bad humor and hints to "making babies". Don't like? Don't read. Thanks' pal.
> 
> Ps. If you want to listen something while reading this, I recommend Mat and Pat's theme song on loop.

Never, ever in my life had I imagined that I would end up in adventure with Thorin Oakenshield, his company, Bilbo and Gandalf. But I did. I had fun, I did not have fun, I was hot, I was cold, I stank, my companion stank worst than I did and I sure had my... needs at the time. But never did I tell this to anyone.

After we had reclaimed Erebor, rested and made sure rebuilding Erebor was in good hands with Dain, we returned to my world, to my home. I was moving to Erebor, since the dwarves asked so nicely (did not, definitely not) and even promised to get my stuff in Erebor from my current home. Well, even when Gandalf promised help us to get to my world and back, then why not?

* * *

I was making coffee for my so called removers. They had been carrying my furniture's to my champers in Erebor via magic door that Gandalf had somehow opened to us. Wizards and their tricks. He had stayed back in Erebor with Thorin, smoking his pipe and looking at the dwarves on their bustle. Thorin was advising others where to put my furniture's and moving boxes. I had been putting my stuff into boxes and taped those which I could, until my tape ended. Rest of the boxes had to do without.

Chairs and table had been left in the kitchen so that everyone had a place where they could eat and drink. So after the coffee was ready, everyone set themselves in the kitchen and took a seat on chair, rest were left standing since I only had six chair. Nori tried to sit on table, but was shooed off by his brother Dori and Dwalin.

"Don't ye sit on table, I don' wanna have yer arse on ma food" Dwalin had growled to Nori, who had growled him back.

"Alright, alright, stop before ye start!" I shouted from fridge. I had there some milk for the coffee, juice for those who didn't drink coffee and sandwiches that Bombur had made for us. I put everything on table, listening only half on what Nori was saying.

"Well sit on the floor or someones lap, if ye wanna sit down" I told him and turned to go back to fridge. Nori huffed and muttered something. I could recognize the words _"manly"_ and _"too gay for him"_. Dwalin, Gloin, Bofur and Bifur laughed a little, which made me roll my eyes.

"Well, you know you could give a lap dance to who ever lap you sit on" I said jokingly. Nori growled and was glaring at me. Dwalin laughed and patted me on my back when I walked past him. Dori was coughing, Ori was chuckling behind his hand, Bofur was laughing and winked me when our eyes met, and everyone else on the chairs shouted between their laughs that they didn't want a lap dance - at least not from Nori.

Our laugh and talk ended, when we heard loud thump from the corridor. The thumping voice came most likely the boxes being dropped on the floor. Fili's earful for his brother and Kili's murmuring could be heard from there seconds later. Oh right, those two were getting boxes from my room.

"Oi, Kee, what's that?" Fili's sudden question carried clearly from where they were. I could tell he had found something slightly interesting, what they had done a lot when they were helping me to back the other day. They had been asking hundreds and hundreds of questions of the stuff what they saw here, reminding me of curious little kids.

"Uhh, oh, that one. It's.. uhh... I dunno, we should ask (Y/n) about it" Kili said. Oh God, what had they found this time? Sighing I started to message my temples. It didn't sound like nothing would've broke, but you could not know. I mean, we were still talking about Fili and Kili here. Soon the two of them appeared in kitchen, Kili holding something purple that looked like a bold stick.

"Oi, (Y/n), what's this?" Kili asked and raised his hand so I, and everyone in the room, could see what they had found. I squint my eyes and when I realized, what he had, my cheeks went rosy. My purple dildo swayed on his hand. For all of the boxes, they had dropped the one that held my fucking dildo. And all the things they wanted to know, was this bloody thing?! No, just... no. The room was quiet while everyone looked between me and the princes.

"(Y/n)?" Fili asked and cocked his head. My brains was empty from ideas, and I definitely wasn't going to tell the real use of it. My face heated up even more, when Thorin stumbled in the kitchen from behind Kili and Fili, murmuring about something in khuzdul. He stopped beside his nephews and was looking at them, and then the dildo on Kili's hand.

"Kili, what is that?" Thorin asked. Kili shuddered his shoulder and was then looking at me. Oh good, please no. I wanted to scream and run away from the situation. But, there was only one door, and the Durins were blocking my way. The shame and astonish felt horrible. All I wanted was to sink thrue the floor.

"We don't know. Kili dropped one of (Y/n)'s boxes and it rolled out from there. And we just tried to ask that from her, but she hasn't opened her mouth" Fili explained for his uncle. Thorin cocked his eyebrow and then turned to look at me. I was still trying to figure out what to tell them. Then he turned back to his nephews and took my dildo. He turned it on his hands and was examine it with clear interest. He brought it close to his eyes and then he went and licked it. If there was any possibility that my face would heat up anymore, well now it was. I definitely would never use that again, considering the fact that... he just put the tip of it in his mouth. Not much, just a... he just put his lips around it.

"Doesn't taste good, so it's not a candy" Thorin stated. Half of the company raised their eyebrows for this brainstorm. Even I had to raise mine, and give a little sigh. What the fuck did he think?

"I don' think she would keep 'er candy with other stuff, Thorin. At least not without anything covering the candy" Bofur pointed out. Thorin nodded and was then eyeing me. Kili was poking my dildo and pursuing his lips. Fili shuddered his shoulders, as I reminded silent, and went to get the boxes from the corridor. Soon he returned, carrying The box on his hands.

"There's more here, those funny looking things" Fili said as he put the box on the table. Oh my sweet lord, no. Just leave them be and get my stuff in Erebor already! Half of the company went to box to see what was in there. Yeah, go ahead boys, dig in my stuff and never mind the so called personal space. Nori picked dildo, a little reminding my purple one, and looked over his shoulder to me. I gave him a glare and tapped my foot to floor. He gave me one of his biggest smirks and turned to show it Bofur next to him. They were whispering each other, when the dildo's vibrator went suddenly on. Nice, it still had working batteries in it.

"What on Mahal's beard is it doing?!"

"Turn it off, Nori, turn it off!"

"Is it alive?"

"I think it might be some new weapon we haven't seen yet"

After a few minutes of wondering and shouting the dwarves got it turned off. Thank God for that, I didn't want to step in and do it. Then I should explain them what they did and what they were. And why I had them. And, oh look, there goes the last pits of my privacy. Next I should be telling them how many men I had bedded. What womanly secrets would I have then? None. I shifted my foot and looked at the dwarves around the table, loudly talking about the dildos and wondering, what they were and where they were used. I wondered, should I just quit it already and tell them that they were used to kill pests.

I wanted to jump out of the window, run as far as I coul get and never see them again. By now it was clear to me, that they had no idea what these mysterios, colourful sticks were, and for their best I wasn't even gonna tell. And I wanted to keep my face too. I took a glalnce at the company and saw Thorin and Dwalin sword fighting with my dildos, the vibrator being off.

"They are not swords, nor weapons at all" I finally got my mouth open and my voice back. I was still lacking the nerve to talk to them, but it was torture of its own to just look at them wondering what dildos were used of. And sooner or later they would have been interrogateing me and somehow make me talk. 13 pairs of eyes turned to me. Oooh shit, the preassure. I felt like sinking even deeper in the shame of misery.

"Soo, what are these?"

"They are called dildo. Women use them in... torture... Ya know, if their husbands or other male aren't behaving or have done something unforgivable" I said, putting my hands behind me. Nope, I just couldn't tell them, were they were used. Well, where or how **I** used them. Everyone were gaping at me, their mouths hanging in shock. Then some of them were looking at each others or the dildos. Or both. I walked over to Thorin, took dildo from him and backed of few steps so that everyone could see me.

"You see, this long, colorful things goes inside male's arse and then it's turned on and it vibrates inside them, well, as long as women decide. Don't look like that, Nori, it hurts like hell when I thrust this hard and dry inside your anus. And when it vibrates, and you can't take it out and you feel like you need to... empty your plumbing" I cleared my throat at the end and turned dildos vibration off. Everyone were eyeing each other, quiet and horrid.

"You'd actually do that?" Ori's quiet voice asked. Dori shot glance at him and then to me. I wanted to laugh and smack myself at the same time. This was so stupid and so ingenious. I shuddered my shoulders and tried to look innocent.

"Well, yeah, sure. I mean, if there's need for that, yeah. I'd do it" I told him. Ori looked horrid and glanced his brothers.

"But I hope I don't have to put them on use on any of you, oh you know, digging my stuff and almost breaking them. They're not cheap, ya know" I said and gave them a little, sweet smile. The dildo's find their way back to box pretty fast, and almost every dwarf left from the room as fast as they dared to leave. Bofur was one of the lasts to leave. He was looking at me, winking and smiling devilishly. I smiled him back, went to the box and slapped his buttock. Giving red faced Bofur one last wink I went to put the box in my chambers in Erebor.


End file.
